Walking the Line: Finding the Balance Between Pushing and Over-Indulging our Sensitive Kids
So many parents of highly sensitive children struggle regularly with how much to push their child vs. how much to accommodate their sensitivities in daily life. There are so many moments when we as parents of sensitive kids are faced with situations like these:
A child really wants to play softball but has extreme meltdowns on the way home from every practice due to feeling overstimulated by the coach and teammates.
A child says they’re afraid to sleep alone but isn’t really sleeping well when they’re in your bed (and neither are you).
A child gets angry and rigid when their routine changes, but family circumstances dictate periodic changes, such as having a parent who travels for work often, or having frequent appointments at different times of day.
When our highly sensitive children express stress reactions we may wonder, “Am I pushing my kid too hard?” or, “Is she just too sensitive to manage this?” As caring, well-meaning parents, we obviously don’t want to cause our children any harm. But there are also things that we really want our children to experience and be able to do, and it can be challenging to determine how much is too much, especially if your child is very emotionally reactive. The essential issue to determine in a given situation is what course of action will build resilience vs. what will be detrimental to the overall wellbeing of our sensitive child.
When trying to sort this out in your own family, initially consider the following:
How important is this task, activity, issue (that is causing a strong reaction) to you and your child? If it’s really important, then you may lean towards pushing your sensitive child. If it’s not too important, consider picking your battles and letting this one go.
What is the impact of “indulging” or accommodating your sensitive child in this situation? How will you and others in the family feel (i.e. better? resentful?) compared to your child’s reaction?
One important thing to keep in mind is that “sensitive” does not necessarily equal “fragile”. Our sensitive children need to be challenged sometimes, and even if they protest, they often can handle it! Being challenged in the “right” amount or dose, actually promotes growth and resilience. Resilience does not develop in the absence of stress. Resilience develops in response to stress. Successfully making it through a stressful event, even with tears or other big emotions, can build self-esteem. Internally, a child needs to build trust in themselves that they can do hard things. They do this with your support, repeatedly, over time. This means that you are supportive, empathic, loving and warm, cheering your child on as they do the hard thing. It does not mean you just leave them to it, alone, to suffer and freak out. The more stressful the task, the more they need you to help them through it.
Since they need us more in these moments of stress, it’s important that we are reflective, honest and self-compassionate about our ability to “show up” in a given moment. We can be a greater support for our sensitive child at some moments and an additional stressor at others. We all know that difference: there are times when we are calm, well-rested and better able to be empathic and supportive, and other times when we are tired, frustrated and about to lose it! Being aware of ourselves and making decisions that honor our own needs and emotions will teach our children compassion for themselves too.
For example: If a child is refusing to sleep alone on a given night and we’re feeling calm and well rested, we may be able to be empathic and supportive, while also holding a boundary that they need to return to their room. In that scenario perhaps we’re able to even give them a pep talk about how we know it’s hard to sleep alone sometimes but we also know they can do it. However, when faced with the same situation when we’re exhausted and stressed about an important meeting we have the next day, we may just determine that it’s easier in that moment to let our child sleep in our bed. In that case we still may have the long-term goal of having our child sleep independently, but we practice self-compassion in a moment when we’re just not up to arguing about it, and work on it later at a time when we’re feeling stronger.
The good news/bad news is that there really isn’t a way forward in these situations that’s always right. Often times we try one way and see how it works (or not), and then maybe try something else. When I am working with a family, I often look at the energy of a particular issue and see what the child and family need to feel more grounded and emotionally safe in addressing it. This is because sensitive children are easily ungrounded by their sensory and emotional experiences. They are also likely to react more emotionally if other people are in their energy space or they are already feeling a stress response. Teaching your child grounding exercises, or practicing grounding as the parent trying to set the tone in a challenging situation—both go a long way towards building resilience in your sensitive child. For more information on grounding, check out my Grounding meditation, or my video on Strategies for Managing Sensitivity.
That’s not to say that energy healing tools are the only answer! I consistently combine these with communication, parenting skills and coping skills in work with families. On this topic therefore, here are a few additional ways you may work with your child as you navigate how to help them build resilience:
When pushing:
1. Keep an open dialogue with your child about the process. Try to involve them as much as possible in the decision to push. Discuss benefits of pushing such as learning new things, growing/maturing, social inclusion, building resilience.
2. Discuss why you think it’s important for them to push themselves in this situation.
3. Welcome their feelings about it and empathize, especially with their negative feelings. Knowing you understand their feelings but are not controlled by them is key for the sensitive child in being able to challenge themselves.
4. Evaluate with your child after the situation has passed. Check in about how it was for them, discuss your own observations, reflect their accomplishments and inquire about the meaning of it for your child (i.e. do they feel stronger now or did it ruin their day?)
5. Make an agreement about how to proceed next time you’re in a similar situation. What, if anything might you change from how it went today?
When accommodating:
1. Empathize with your child’s overwhelm.
2. Ask them what they need, i.e. do they need a few extra minutes to get ready, or to practice coping skills, or to just not have to do the activity at all?
3. Say you want to support them and discuss any urgent needs to compromise: i.e., “We need to go to this appointment but since it’s so hard for you to go how about you get to pick anything you want to do when we get home?”
4. Keep the long view in mind. Is accommodating in this situation an act of resignation/acceptance or is it a break, with intention to try again in the future? In the earlier example of the child melting down after softball, that range could look something like, on one end (acceptance/resignation): deciding to try a new sport that is more solitary or has less pressure, and on the other end (trying it again): deciding to allow time before and after softball practice to engage in active coping skills to make the activity more manageable.
Let me know if these strategies are helpful! As always, you’re welcome to get in touch with me anytime with questions about your specific situation. I also encourage you to check out the other resources on this page as potential strategies to understand and support your highly sensitive child. You may also check out the HSP resources on Julie Bjelland’s website by clicking below:
Carolina is an active and proud member of the Sensitive Empowerment Community! Learn more about this wonderful group through Julie Bjelland’s website at https://www.fatfreecartpro.com/ecom/gb.php?cl=342244&c=ib&aff=383793. There are numerous free and paid resources designed to support Highly Sensitive People on this site!
