What It’s Like for this “Older Mom”
“Are you her grandma?” a little one asked me as I dropped off my daughter at pre-school last week. Ouch. Not the first time this has happened either! While most of my blogs tend to focus on my clients and their needs, this little incident (along with my birthday last week) got me thinking about my age and how it impacts my parenting. Being one who is always working on myself, I also felt like, ‘if it stings a little when a kid thinks I’m a grandma, I probably need to do some radical self-acceptance and just put my experience out there.’ So here goes!
The truth is, being perceived as my daughter’s grandma is the only real drawback to being an older mom, and I think that’s pretty good! I want to clarify that when I say “older mom,” I mean I was in my late 40’s when she came along. Some of my close friends are on similar paths, so we sometimes commiserate about these comments out of the mouths of babes about our elderly appearance. It has also given me a sense of camaraderie when I’ve seen celebrity “older mom’s” such as Hillary Swank who recently gave birth to twins at age 48, and Hoda Kotb who adopted her two daughters in her early 50’s. While I may marvel at the energy levels of the 20- and 30-something moms when I see them at school drop-off, at the park or at the store, I tend to feel like I’m keeping up pretty well. Occasionally I can tell that these young moms just aren’t interested in socializing with me and that’s okay too. As a highly sensitive person and an introvert, I never mind it if someone doesn’t want to talk to me!
Some people want to know WHY I waited “so long” to have a kid and I’ll tell you! While it was always something I wanted to do, I knew how hard and all-consuming parenting is, and I wanted to be sure I was really ready. I had a lot of inner work to do in order to get myself to a place where I knew I could be a good parent. I am one of those courageous people who is a cycle-breaker in my family, ending patterns of multi-generational trauma. Lots of therapy and energy healing were required to foster the feelings of emotional stability and confidence I needed to face the most important work of my life, being a mom. As I did this inner work, I was also very focused on outer work in my 20’s and 30’s, and I am proud to say I had two successful careers before I even met my husband. Finally in my 40’s, the stars aligned so that I met my beloved and felt ready to embrace the dream of “family” that I had always wanted.
One of the best things about being an “older mom” is that I am seeing the benefits of all the work I have done on myself in my parenting. For example, I am able to stay calm when she throws her toys or shows her defiant side, because I have been practicing meditation and mindful observation of my inner world for over 20 years. Though I have a history of personal trauma, I have been managing my trauma triggers for long enough that I can be somewhat objective when they show up in our daily lives. I can take care of my feelings and talk about them (in an age-appropriate way) with my daughter, modeling how to manage emotions when they come up. Since I specialized in early childhood mental health as a psychotherapist, I also have a good knowledge base of how to raise a healthy child. I don’t always get it
“right” in a given moment, but the majority of the time I do feel really good about my mothering. This means that I ENJOY it a lot too! It feels good when we are competent at something, and it feels so satisfying when I see how my daughter gets to reap the benefits of all the work I have done on myself. I realize that I started doing the work for myself, but now that she’s here, I continue to work on myself for her as well. And because I have that commitment, my daughter doesn’t fear me like I feared my parents. She doesn’t shy away from telling me what’s on her mind. She shares her innermost thoughts and her silliest faces. Perhaps most importantly from my perspective, she also seeks me out as a safe haven amidst her challenges. I am her secure base, her co-regulator, her mama.
The work is ongoing of course, and I don’t mean to give you the idea that it is all sunshine and rainbows all the time. But there ARE sunshine and rainbows OFTEN, and I attribute that to all the time, energy and money I have spent focused on healing myself. So often as highly sensitive people we are focused outside of ourselves, but I can personally attest to the benefits of turning inward to heal. It is scary, especially in the beginning, to make that commitment to oneself, but I am living proof that it is worth it. Doing the work really does pay off: it gives us the relationships we want, the peace we crave, and the empowerment we dream about. And that is true no matter when we start, whether we are young or old. There have been many dark nights for this soul, many panic attacks, many feelings of rage, many incidents when I was reduced to trembling and tears. But I have given myself the gift of wading through all that darkness towards the light, and my daughter, truly, is the brightest light I could have ever asked for.
So I may have 13 pairs of reading glasses scattered around my house, and I may over-moisturize my face so that the dewy glow obscures my wrinkles, and I definitely remember what life was like before cell phones and the internet! Go ahead and call me grandma if you want, but deep down I know how grateful I am to be my daughter’s mother. I know that, because I waited until I was “old” to become a mom and worked so hard, I have the strength to be present for both the struggles and the joys. And most days, I feel connected to the centered wisdom that only comes from facing one’s deepest fears over and over again. Other cycle breakers know, the more we do it, the easier it gets, and the quicker we are able to return to our center when a trigger shows up. If you want to join me on this road to greater fulfillment in our relationships, I encourage you to get in touch with me.
Carolina is an active and proud member of the Sensitive Empowerment Community! Learn more about this wonderful group through Julie Bjelland’s website at https://www.fatfreecartpro.com/ecom/gb.php?cl=342244&c=ib&aff=383793. There are numerous free and paid resources designed to support Highly Sensitive People on this site!
