Sensitive Kid Behavior Series: Why does my child stare at people all the time?

*You’re walking through the grocery store and someone says hello to you and your child, and your child doesn’t say hello back, but instead looks at them intently.

*Your child goes to the park and instead of engaging with other kids, they just watch them playing with each other.

*Your child approaches other children and just gives them a long stare rather than saying hi or asking if they want to play, to the point that the other children give your child an annoyed or confused look and walk away.

Have you been there?

 You’re wondering, why can’t your kid just say hello to people or play without giving people the “evil eye?”  They can be so sweet and engaging, why do they act like that?  Here’s how you can help:

 First, understand that this isn’t a sign that something is wrong with your child, it is a sign that they are deeply processing their surroundings:

Highly sensitive kids often stop and stare because they are taking in details about people and surroundings that others may not even pay attention to.  They need time to assess a situation and fortunately, if they are stopping to stare, it can be an indicator that they feel safe taking that time.  It may seem that they’re being anti-social or unfriendly, but the truth is, the staring is often due to the fact that they are extremely tuned into other people. 

 Second, notice if there is a pattern related to this behavior for your child, i.e., does it only happen in crowded places, or with people they don’t know, or when they’re more tired than usual, or when they weren’t expecting to run into a certain person?

If you become a bit of a detective with your child, it can help them understand more about themselves and why they do the staring.  Some of the kids I work with are able to articulate that they feel nervous, embarrassed or surprised in certain environments or with certain people, and they stare in response to those emotions.  This is really different than other kids I work with who just feel more comfortable observing in certain situations, or kids who freeze up because they are experiencing some kind of sensory overload.  Additionally, some kids are staring because they are sensitive to the energy or emotions of another person, and they may be staring as they try to assess why someone is upset, scattered or feels intrusive energetically.  Often, I am in the position of supporting families with this step, because the parents or child may not be able to really identify a pattern or trigger for the staring behavior, but are finding that it happens often and/or is making everyone uncomfortable. 

 Third, normalize and advocate for your child if you feel it is appropriate in a given situation.  For example, if they’re staring at kids on the playground, you might briefly explain to the other kids that your child is not trying to be mean, they just are taking some time to figure out what they want to do.  For another example, you might talk with the teacher about how your child likes to observe prior to jumping into a group activity, and see if the teacher is willing to accommodate that need. As your child gets older, they may be able to do some of this advocacy for themselves, especially if they have seen you do it and they have reached the point of understanding their needs.

 Fourth, for kids who are highly empathic and sensitive to the energy of other people, validate their perceptions of people.  I work with one child who really feels uncomfortable around a certain employee at her school, and was therefore often found staring at him rather than returning his greetings.  The employee seems nice enough to the parents and appears loved by many other children there, but there is something about him that just causes this sensitive child to feel unsafe with him.  We talk in our sessions about the importance of listening to her body and emotions, and keeping her distance from those who cause her to feel unsafe in that way, even if no one else can understand why she has that feeling.  This is critical for sensitive, empathic children!  The opposite of this is people-pleasing and ignoring their own intuition, neither of which empower our children to feel safe or as though their experiences are valid.

 While you may worry that people will think your kid is weird because they stare, I believe that the more we support our sensitive kids in understanding themselves, the more they will be able increase their comfort and confidence in social situations.  If I may be of support to your family as you navigate this sometimes rough terrain of relationships, emotions and sensitivity, I hope you will contact me!

 The Sensitive Kid Behavior Series answers parent questions about common behaviors observed in their little ones. If you have questions about your child’s behavior feel free to email me and I’ll answer them in future blogs!

Carolina is an active and proud member of the Sensitive Empowerment Community!  Learn more about this wonderful group through Julie Bjelland’s website at https://www.fatfreecartpro.com/ecom/gb.php?cl=342244&c=ib&aff=383793. There are numerous free and paid resources designed to support Highly Sensitive People on this site!