Sensitive Kid Behavior Series: Why does my child ignore me?

**You’ve asked your child to put away their toys a few times and received no response.

*It’s time to leave the playground and even though you give multiple time warnings, your child just keeps on playing when you say it’s time to go.

*You ask your child a question and they just don’t answer.  You ask it again and they still don’t answer. You’re getting frustrated…

Have you been there?

 You’re wondering, is my child deliberately not listening to me?  Do they have a hearing problem?  Can’t they tell I am getting frustrated by having to repeat myself?  Why are they acting this way and how do I get them to listen?

 Aside from physical reasons (i.e. they do have a hearing problem or are developmentally unable to process what is being requested), there are a few possible reasons your child is ignoring you, and each requires a different approach:

1.      SENSORY:  Your child is overstimulated and is shutting down in response.

2.      EMOTIONAL:  Your child has an intense internal reaction to what is being asked and becomes too overwhelmed to answer or comply.

3.      RELATIONAL:  Your child is being deliberately defiant with you due to some factor in your relationship (testing limits, anger, patterns of frequent conflict, or their sensitivity to your energy—i.e. you’re stressed and this is dysregulating for them so they act defiant towards you).

  Your child is overstimulated and is shutting down in response:

Overstimulation occurs more often in a highly sensitive child than in children who are not highly sensitive.  The overstimulation may be due to sensory processing sensitivities, such as, there is too much activity, visual or auditory input in a given moment.  Their overstimulation may be exacerbated by factors throughout your child’s day, as it’s often the case that they’ve held it together in a busy classroom all day and just can’t handle one more thing.  If you sense that this is the issue for your child, here are a few things that may help:

1.      Approach your child calmly and quietly and empathize with their overstimulation.  For example, say, “I notice you don’t seem to be able to talk with me right now, so I’m going to give you a little space.  I’m here when you want a hug or want to play.”

2.      Make environmental changes to reduce any current stimulation.  For example, lower the lights, turn off the tv or music, tidy a messy space. 

3.      Suggest regulating activities after your child has had some time to calm themselves.  If they enjoy going outside, doing something creative or engaging in sensory play, these are often excellent ways to promote regulation.  Some kids need an activity that is typically considered calming such as sitting quietly, whereas other kids may need to run, bounce, jump or really engage their body to calm their nervous system. 

 Your child has an intense internal reaction to what is being asked and becomes too overwhelmed to answer or comply:

In this situation, your child is having a visceral, emotional response to your request and they become emotionally overloaded.  This is common in highly sensitive children who experience big feelings on a regular basis, and in children who may struggle with mental health issues such as anxiety or depression.  If you sense that this is the case for your child, what they need most from you is for you to stay calm and emotionally regulated, as this will help them get to a more emotionally regulated state.  Here are a few things you can say and do while you are taking your own deep breaths:

1.      Note your child may not like what you have asked them to do and empathize out loud, i.e., “I know it’s hard to leave the park” or “I understand you don’t want to clean up right now.”  This helps your child to feel understood as well as helps them understand themselves. 

2.      Get physically close and down to your child’s eye level. Ask your child what they may need in order to comply with your request.  Do they need another few minutes to get used to the idea?  Do they need to practice a coping skill as they transition, such as making up a song about what they need to do next, taking some deep breaths, or dancing their way to the car?  Making some playful suggestions often goes a long way towards helping them calm down enough to comply.

3.      Consider where they are in their “window of tolerance” (see related blog post).  For example, if you know they didn’t sleep well last night, their window of tolerance is smaller and that is likely playing into the ignoring behavior.  If you are aware you are dealing with a very small window of tolerance, generally that is a time to be firmer in your expectations so that your child doesn’t spiral out of control. 

 Your child is being deliberately defiant with you due to some factor in your relationship:

This can be the hardest one because, unlike the first two, this one IS personal!  This is where kids are pushing our buttons because they know that ignoring us will get to us.  It helps to know that this is developmentally appropriate at various times for all kids.  Sometimes they are just testing out a behavior such as ignoring to see how we will react.  Other times they are angry or feeling unloved, and they ignore us to get back at us.  If you sense that they are ignoring you to punish you in some way, here are some things you may try:

1.      First, get their attention.  Get on their level, make eye contact and engage in gentle physical contact if they will allow it (i.e. ask to hold their hand or gently rub their arm/shoulders).

2.      Open up a conversation about their feelings.  Name the behavior of ignoring and inquire whether they are upset with you about something.  Invite them to talk with you about it.

3.      If you are aware that you are off that day, i.e. feeling stressed or preoccupied, it’s helpful to own that with your kids in these conversations.  This helps them realize that it may not be their fault that you are off, which may take some of the pressure off (because kids often feel that whatever negativity they sense in their parents is because the child caused it somehow).

4.      Note patterns of conflict or defiance and express your desire for things to be different between you.  Communicate your love for them and your commitment to doing whatever it takes to understanding your child and working through your challenges.

 When your child ignores you, it can be frustrating and even downright triggering!  Hopefully this post helps you understand that oftentimes it isn’t you or anything you did wrong.  Even when your kid is ignoring you because they are angry, your efforts to repair the situation are going to make a world of difference.  If I may be of support to your family as you navigate this sometimes rough terrain of relationships, emotions and sensitivity, I hope you will contact me!

  The Sensitive Kid Behavior Series answers parent questions about common behaviors observed in their little ones. If you have questions about your child’s behavior feel free to email me and I’ll answer them in future blogs!

 Carolina is an active and proud member of the Sensitive Empowerment Community!  Learn more about this wonderful group through Julie Bjelland’s website at https://www.fatfreecartpro.com/ecom/gb.php?cl=342244&c=ib&aff=383793. There are numerous free and paid resources designed to support Highly Sensitive People on this site!