Making Space to Support Your Highly Sensitive Child or Teen through Difficult Times
Following up on my post about highly sensitive people doing hard things, I wanted to share a few more tips for parents to use when your highly sensitive child is navigating a challenge. When we see our kids struggle, we as parents need to make ourselves more available to our kids for support. Whether it’s starting something new, dealing with a major change or trying to adapt to an ongoing stressor, it takes a lot of your child’s emotional energy to cope. As the parent of a highly sensitive child, you may have the urge to just keep them from stressful situations as much as possible. For HSP’s though, that usually isn’t possible. There are often stressful circumstances that we just can’t avoid or didn’t see coming, and our sensitive nervous systems translate to more reactivity to the stressors we encounter. It’s important to help our sensitive kids build coping skills and resilience so that, over time, they develop a deep confidence that they can handle whatever comes their way.
So how do you do that? The #1 answer is actually very simple, but it can be very time consuming:
Give your child extra time with you to process what they are struggling with.
For young children who may not talk much, this typically looks like giving them more “floor time,” when you sit on the floor with them and allow them to direct the play. When given this opportunity, young children will often play out whatever is bothering them, because play is their primary language. You can encourage them to do this by offering tools such as puppets, dolls or action figures, but you might also just suggest the two of you engage in imaginative play that links up to the struggle. For example, if your child is adjusting to a new activity you might suggest that the two of you play out the activity or something like it. When my daughter was adjusting to a new preschool, I suggested we play school and allowed her to direct me from there. As we played, I reflected the emotions she displayed. I also empathized with the stressful elements she played out such as not wanting to share and getting used to the noise level during some activities. I asked a lot of questions, listened and observed her non-verbal responses to determine how dysregulating some situations were, and reflected these to her as well.
For older children and teens, the options for emotional processing are greater, since they can talk through things with you in addition to, or instead of, playing things out. Depending on their age, they may want to use expressive arts or do something that is a bit distracting while they talk about the issue, such as taking a walk or a drive. If you use expressive arts with your child to help them process their feelings, perhaps sit down and do the art with them, and ask them questions about it once it’s complete. You can do this with the expressed intention of working through difficult feelings, or you can just suggest doing art together and see what comes up. This may facilitate discussion as well as create space for them to come forward with things you may not have thought of. Teens especially are more likely to talk about things if the environment isn’t purposefully set up to “talk.” For example, I knew one foster parent who frequently got her teens into the garden. She would give them a task such as digging, weeding or harvesting, and she would work quietly alongside them. She reported that as they worked together, the teens spontaneously shared what was going on for them, whereas if she asked them a direct question, they would give her a one-word answer.
When you create this time and space for your highly sensitive youth to process their big feelings about stressors in their lives, you may want to keep in mind these steps:
*Empathize with and normalize their feelings: This is so important for highly sensitive kids! Many parents don’t realize how powerful this is. A child or teen who hears that their feelings are valid and that they’re not the only one who feels them is learning a key element of emotional intelligence and resilience. It’s okay for you as the parent to guess about feelings they may have if your children are not very expressive. For example, you might talk about feelings you have about the stressor as a way of empathizing, “I feel sad sometimes and wish grandma were here instead of on her trip, do you feel that way too?” Or you might tell a story that’s similar to what you guess your child is going through: “I remember when I was in high school there were some girls who were really mean to me and I felt like I didn’t want to go into the lunch room if they were there. I even missed lunch a few times because I just couldn’t face them. Is anyone ever mean to you?”
*Ask open ended questions: Try to understand their experience from their point of view, and the meaning they are making of the stressor. For example, do they see themselves as a victim, or feel as though something is wrong with them because they are struggling? Questions that can’t just be answered with a yes or no, such as “how do you feel about that,” “how do you think your friends see you,” or “what’s that like” are often good starting points.
*Resist the urge to argue or defend the need to do the hard thing: This is really tough when the thing that is hard for your kid is something you are invested in. For example, if your child doesn’t want to go to dance class and you’ve paid for it and really want them to like it, it’s important to reign in your own feelings about it rather than lecture them about why you think it’s important. That doesn’t mean you never bring up these points, but give them space to express themselves first. Using the dance class example, you might empathize with them not wanting to go: “Sometimes I don’t want to go to my exercise class either, I get it! Tell me what you don’t like about it.” Then you would listen to their feelings and reasons for not wanting to go, and then empathize again: “I hear that you’re tired and that being in a room full of people feels stressful right now.” THEN you might gently mention a reason why you think it would be good to go to the dance class: “I know that sometimes when I’m tired and then I exercise, I actually feel more energetic afterwards and in a better mood. How about we try going and if it seems like too much we can leave early?” In my example earlier of my daughter adjusting to her new preschool, I had a number of conversations and playtimes hearing all the reasons she didn’t like the new school and didn’t want to go, and then towards the end of the play or talk at any given time, after lots of empathizing and reflecting and inquiring, I would share the benefits of school as I saw them (making friends, learning new things, exploring new spaces, etc.). I would also share practical elements occasionally, including things I needed to get done while she was at school, so that she understood that it wasn’t really optional even though she had hard feelings about it.
*Proactively brainstorm and practice coping skills: I often educate kids (including clients and the kids in my personal life) about the need to give ourselves extra support during a stressful time. That stressful time may be an hour-long activity or a months-long period of adjustment depending on what is currently perceived as hard, and the amount of extra support correlates with how long the stressor lasts and how intense the stressor is. I engage them in talking about ways they may be really kind to themselves and reduce overall stress so that they have the bandwidth to wade through and process whatever the hard thing is. Some ideas I usually suggest include: scheduling extra downtime, doing a favorite activity, enjoying a favorite food, or coordinating a reward of some kind following the challenge. The woo woo side of me also talks about how to support ourselves with energy healing techniques. Sometimes this may look like practicing grounding techniques or mindfulness more often, setting up our energy before a stressful event, or incorporating flower essences or crystals for an energy boost.
*Get support: If your highly sensitive child or teen is struggling for an extended period of time, and/or is struggling with a core area such as school, sleep, relationships, diet, or exercise, your family may benefit from professional guidance. It’s also important to seek outside support when you as the parent are having a hard time with your child’s hard time, or the two of you are going through the same difficult thing such as a loss or big family transition. Support is often available through your school district or health service, and there are endless books, podcasts and videos that you may be able to find on your specific struggle. If you need support in determining what may be the appropriate resources to access, or if you feel intuitive coaching may be a good fit, I am here for you!
Carolina is an active and proud member of the Sensitive Empowerment Community! Learn more about this wonderful group through Julie Bjelland’s website at https://www.fatfreecartpro.com/ecom/gb.php?cl=342244&c=ib&aff=383793. There are numerous free and paid resources designed to support Highly Sensitive People on this site!
