Highly Sensitive Children and Parents: We Can Do Hard Things!
I am a big fan of Glennon Doyle’s podcast “We Can Do Hard Things.” As a trained psychotherapist and intuitive coach, I really resonate with the idea that we are all capable of facing challenges. As someone who has been engaged in my own personal healing work for over two decades, I also deeply feel the benefit of listening to others who have the courage to do the often painful work of healing and striving to become whole within themselves. It is so validating to hear that I’m not alone in the struggles I face, and to hear the stories of others who are lighting the way for those of us who sometimes suffer through darkness.
As a highly sensitive person, I find sometimes that life can feel hard. Since we process things so deeply, HSP’s are constantly reacting to more input on more levels than the average, non-HSP. It can be difficult to be so aware of things that others are not aware of, to feel emotions that others may not be willing to feel, to hold many aspects of “reality” that others don’t necessarily observe. So, I appreciate the mantra that “we can do hard things,” because it helps to remind me that I am capable, and that I’m not alone. I also find that, as I accomplish hard things throughout my day, I gain a sense of inner strength. I may be tired, but I also feel empowered, as in “hey, I did that!” or, “I made it through that and I’m ok!” This is similarly true for my highly sensitive daughter. Just this week, she was having a lot of emotions about going to an unfamiliar environment. She cried, talked about how scared she was and how much she didn’t want to go. Fast forward a few hours and she came rushing over to me and said, “I made it through the hard part mama, now I’m having fun!” This was not only a huge accomplishment, but also a significant life lesson for my little three-year-old! Undoubtedly it laid the groundwork for any future challenges she will face, because she has had the experience of going through something hard and coming out feeling strong and good.
In my personal life and my work with other HSP’s of all ages, I have realized over time that what is unique to HSP’s is this: We may find things to be hard that non-HSP’s feel are easy, and we feel the stress of going through hard things more intensely. A trip to the grocery store, for example, can feel like a hard thing for an HSP, because of the noise, crowds, lights and energy that come rushing at us, and it may take us hours to recover. For our sensitive children, speaking up for what they need or just approaching a teacher to ask to go to the bathroom can be daunting. This doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us, this is just how we are wired! Therefore, what it does mean is that we need extra self-care and self-compassion, as well as plenty of tools to face our daily challenges.
The truth is, developing through each of the stages of life brings us all significant challenges and emotions. One of the most important things that all of us must learn is something psychotherapists refer to as “distress tolerance.” Highly sensitive children, teens and adults just have more work to do in this area than non-HSP’s, because we experience more distress due to our depth of processing and tendency to become overwhelmed. This may not seem fair, but my perspective is that it gives us the opportunity to become stronger than the average person who may not be highly sensitive. If we as HSP’s can learn to tolerate the discomfort that may come with our sensitivity, we are more likely overall to feel capable and calm in the face of a stressful situation, rather than falling apart.
So how do we increase our tolerance of distress? Through a combination of gradual exposure and skill building, creating accommodations when possible, and engaging in lots of practice!
*Gradual Exposure: This is a process of identifying our biggest stressors and then facing these stressors in small steps. For example, if crowded places like a store are a stressor, we practice first just going into the store and then leaving, then going in for 1-2 minutes before leaving, then going in just to buy one thing, etc. We build up our tolerance to the stressor by frequently facing it in bigger and bigger doses.
*Skill Building: This is where the bulk of our distress tolerance is built. There are so many skills to learn and practice which support us in managing stress! Body-based coping skills such as breathing exercises and movement, cognitive coping skills such as affirmations and positive self-talk, and many others including visualization exercises, mindfulness, meditation, story-telling, music, play and energy healing techniques are the ones I practice and teach most often.
*Creating Accommodations: This is critical for HSP’s when a stressor is just too overwhelming. For example, if there is significant sensitivity to noise, a healthy accommodation would be to wear ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones. For another example, if there is high sensitivity to others’ emotions, setting aside time after a playdate or group event to process what was felt and observed is important.
*Practice, practice, practice! For children and adults alike, repetition is what wires in our resilience. For HSP’s especially, it is rarely a “one and done” situation where we learn a skill and then feel we have mastered it to the point that our distress is gone (though this would be nice, wouldn’t it?!). Each success builds on the previous one, and over time we gain esteem and confidence that indeed we can do hard things.
If you are the parent of a highly sensitive child or teen, and/or if you are highly sensitive yourself, and feel you could use support building your distress tolerance, I am here for you! HSP’s sometimes get a reputation for being fragile because of our sensitivity, but I truly see us as the strongest people out there. It takes courage and practice to look inward, honor our sensitivity, and participate in the world around us. We CAN do that hard work, and when we do, we are, somewhat paradoxically, rewarded with more joy and ease.
Carolina is an active and proud member of the Sensitive Empowerment Community! Learn more about this wonderful group through Julie Bjelland’s website at https://www.fatfreecartpro.com/ecom/gb.php?cl=342244&c=ib&aff=383793. There are numerous free and paid resources designed to support Highly Sensitive People on this site!
