HSP’s, Self Care and the Trauma Response
HSP’s often have every intention to practice self-care. As kind, compassionate people we are naturally caring, and may find ourselves giving advice to others about ways to practice self-care. We have so many ideas about strategies both small and large, from taking a bath to launching a new morning routine that incorporates meditation, exercise and more. Yet when it comes to directing care towards ourselves, we sometimes find that our relationships, work and daily life may push our self-care practice into the background. We may judge ourselves negatively for this, which often makes us feel even worse. We may think, ‘I KNOW what I should be doing and I’m not doing it, so I’m a failure, or a fake…’ We don’t necessarily take the time to look at the real reasons why we’re not taking care of ourselves, but instead we insert these judgments into our process. This is a way we are actively NOT being compassionate or loving with ourselves, and so it is not helpful or motivating, as some may suggest.
In my experience working with many highly sensitive kids, teens and parents over the years, there is usually a very good reason why we’re not implementing strategies which may help us. It is important to slow down and take a look at this so called “resistance,” because it often has the role of protecting us in some way. As a trained trauma therapist, I know that our defenses are often survival mechanisms. So while one practitioner may see someone as pathological for having resistance, I see it as a way we are trying to help ourselves on some level. That may seem counterintuitive on the surface, but here is an example to illustrate it.
A parent I worked with who had a long trauma history, was having difficulty implementing a mindfulness meditation practice, though this was something she had wanted to do for a long time. She saw that she was more patient with her kids when she was able to meditate daily, even if only for 5-10 minutes, but she would find that weeks would go by without practicing, and she would end up feeling stressed, acting irritable with her kids, and feeling like a failure both in her parenting and in her self-care. She kept thinking harshly about herself, and she talked with me in a session about how she just needed to make herself meditate each day. She said things such as “It’s not that hard, I just need to make the time and I’m too disorganized.” Seeing her as a very capable, organized person, I suggested that perhaps we look at the lack of consistency in her meditation practice with less judgment and more self-compassion, as there was likely a very good reason why she was not finding it possible to meditate.
What we eventually got to in our work together was that she had a deep fear of slowing down. This was because of her trauma history: as a child she had become a very high achiever in order to cope with the abuse and dysfunction that was occurring at home. At the time, it was a survival strategy: if she was productive and busy she could escape some of the pain she experienced in her family. She was also praised by others, earning the positive attention she lacked at home. Fast forward to her adult life and her parenting, and though she had been in and out of therapy over the years, some part of her still equated slowing down—in this case trying to meditate—with dying. Her avoidance of daily meditation was therefore protective: she didn’t want to die, so she didn’t meditate. That may seem overly simplistic or dramatic, but it is not uncommon among trauma survivors who are trying to heal from chronic stress to their nervous system. That is because the body has a hard time feeling safe even after the trauma has passed. If you are not feeling safe on some level, then any situation can quickly become a life-or-death matter. So in this example, the mother was only able to implement her regular meditation practice after she realized some part of her thought she would die if she did. Her “resistance” gradually dissolved as she nurtured her fearful parts and reassured herself and her body that she was safe, both with cognitive affirmations and physical exercises that provided her nervous system with a felt sense of safety.
Highly sensitive people often feel as though we’re not safe in our bodies, whether we have experienced what others would define as traumatic events, or not. So it is easy to understand how an HSP can fall into a trauma response, even around something as seemingly benign and beneficial as self-care. If it doesn’t feel safe to relax, to slow down, to pay attention to our feelings, then we are not going to do it. So how do we shift out of this traumatized state and support ourselves in feeling safe and practicing what we preach? Here are a few steps we may follow:
1. Get support. Whether this is professional or personal support, we often need to experience another person in a calm, relaxed state to help our nervous system regulate and feel safe. This process is called co-regulation or mutual regulation, and is centered around the idea that our nervous systems resonate with those of people around us. If you have trouble reaching out to others, try checking out videos or articles that educate you about ways to calm your nervous system and follow along with their exercises. I find Sukie Baxter’s YouTube videos especially helpful!
2. Address yourself as you would a small child. You would never even think of harshly judging a toddler who was having trouble doing something without needed help. As the awesome parent or sibling you are, you would likely offer empathy, encouragement and soothing if it were needed.
3. Affirm present time and present-time abilities. This is important because our fearful parts were born in past-time events and created negative beliefs about ourselves and our capacity for change. This can be as simple as stating to yourself the date, your current age, and skills you know you have and are proud of.
4. Ground your energy. There are many ways to do this, including visualization, belly breathing, movement or just going outside into nature. Natural environments have a slower energetic frequency than our emotions, and many HSP’s who practice grounding have the felt experience of frazzled emotions releasing into the earth, as though gravity just pulls them downward and out of our space.
5. Start small. Once your body is feeling safe and grounded, ask yourself for just one manageable step you can take towards your self-care goal. Once you are able to accomplish this step, you will feel more successful, which is a great motivator. If you start to feel fear again, start over at #1 above. It often takes repetition before we begin to trust ourselves and create healthy new habits.
Please let me know if these strategies are helpful! I am always eager to hear from you, whether you have further questions on this topic or are interested in learning more about Butterfly Grove services.
Carolina is an active and proud member of the Sensitive Empowerment Community! Learn more about this wonderful group through Julie Bjelland’s website at https://www.fatfreecartpro.com/ecom/gb.php?cl=342244&c=ib&aff=383793. There are numerous free and paid resources designed to support Highly Sensitive People on this site!
