How to Stay Calm When Your Child is Melting Down

Many parenting experts talk about the importance of trying to stay calm when your child is upset.  This blog breaks down why that is important and gives a few tips on how to do it!

Many highly sensitive children are known for having “big feelings”.  This can be both a temperament trait, i.e., they express themselves intensely, and it is also generally a sign that they are easily dysregulated due to their sensitivity.  If you as a parent are also highly sensitive, it can be really hard to stay emotionally present when your child is melting down.  Often, we might find ourselves either getting sucked into an argument, backtracking on limits we may have set, or feeling overwhelmed by the display of emotions before us. 

All children learn how to cope with and manage their emotions from their caregivers.   That is not to say that they are entirely without the ability to regulate on their own (even infants are observed to do this at times).  But generally, coping skills are learned in our primary relationships when we are children. Highly sensitive children, even more than kids who are not highly sensitive, need adults to help them learn to regulate their feelings and sensitive bodies.  The younger they are, the more true this is.  Unwittingly, when we lose our temper during a meltdown or begin to meltdown ourselves because we are overwhelmed, this sends a message to our child that their emotions are too much for us, and they are left without support to figure out how to regulate themselves. 

Sensitive kids have more mirror neuron activity than kids who are not highly sensitive.  They are also more sensitive to our energy and emotional state.  When you calm down, when you ground your energy and emotions, your sensitive child will follow.  After working as a child psychotherapist for over 20  years, I have *mostly* mastered the art of staying calm when faced with a dysregulated child.  That’s not to say I do it perfectly every time, but this is the approach I use with clients as well as my own child:

1.      Remind myself not to take their outburst personally, no matter how much they are trying to push my buttons.  It is developmentally appropriate for most kids to take out their stress on their trusted adults, and if they are doing so, they are showing you they feel safe in the relationship.

2.      Reflect their emotions back to them through empathic statements, i.e., “wow, you are so upset right now.”

3.      Suggest practicing coping skills.  Often this is initially met with anger and refusal.  That is because they are so dysregulated.  You know how, when you go to help an injured animal, they growl and bite?  It is the same with our kids when they are really melting down, they often don’t know how to accept comfort or help. 

4.      Empathize that they don’t want to practice the coping skills, and then state out loud that you are going to practice them even if they don’t want to do so.

5.      Have a few “go-to” coping skills that work for you and do these, even while your child continues to yell and cry.  (If you need suggestions, check out other blog posts on coping skills and emotional regulation). 

6.      Continue to practice the coping skills yourself until your child calms down.  They may or may not practice the skills themselves, but they will eventually match your calm state. 

7.      If they try to derail you with unsafe behaviors, such as throwing things, hitting you, etc., set a clear limit that their emotions are ok but hurting other people is not.  Sometimes it is helpful to encourage them to do the same behavior but in a safer way, i.e., “you can hit the couch but not me,” or, “ if you need to throw something let’s get you something soft that you can throw against the wall.”

Most kids, even the most sensitive ones, are able to calm themselves within 20-30 minutes once they observe you consistently remaining calm in the face of their big feelings.  If it is taking longer than that on a regular basis, that is a sign that you may need some additional support.  My website has numerous resources where you may find practices to support your and your child’s emotional regulation, and you are welcome to email me anytime with questions!

If you are not sure whether you or your child is highly sensitive, you may want to take the quiz on Julie Bjelland’s website. Click the link below to see all of the wonderful resources she has to offer!  

Carolina is an active and proud member of the Sensitive Empowerment Community!  Learn more about this wonderful group through Julie Bjelland’s website at https://www.fatfreecartpro.com/ecom/gb.php?cl=342244&c=ib&aff=383793. There are numerous free and paid resources designed to support Highly Sensitive People on this site!