Highly Sensitive Children and Parents: Understanding our Window of Tolerance

In my infant mental health training I learned about the concept of a “window of tolerance.”  The basic idea is that we all have a range of experiences and sensations we may be able to tolerate in a given day, and that this range may shrink or expand depending on a variety of factors.  When you are a highly sensitive person, this window may generally feel much smaller than the window of someone who is not highly sensitive, and we may be easily triggered into sensory overload or exhaustion by even small things. 

 As parents, we often see in our highly sensitive children that there are some days when they may take potential triggers in stride, and others where even the slightest exposure to a potential trigger may throw them into a long and intense meltdown.  This is because their window of tolerance is impacted by many things throughout their day.  In my work with highly sensitive children and parents, I find that they are often surprised to learn that they may increase the amount of control they have over their own window of tolerance.  So many HSP’s of all ages frequently have the feeling that the world is chaotic and intrusive, and there is just nothing they can do about it.  The good news is, there are many ways to work with our window of tolerance to expand it, for ourselves and for our children.

 I like to think about working with the window of tolerance as both a prevention and an intervention strategy.  There are many ways we may expand our window of tolerance by proactively implementing small changes to our daily routine, as well as ways we may intervene if we are experiencing overload.  When developing prevention strategies, it is helpful to consider certain factors that we know may shrink our window of tolerance and do our best to avoid or remedy these, when possible.  These factors include: disruptions in daily schedules, rushing, hunger, fatigue, big transitions (such as starting a new activity or school), and prolonged exposure to emotional and sensory triggers (separation, being in crowded/loud places, and working in a room that is too stimulating are a few examples).    Some ways you may set up prevention strategies include:

*Having a consistent daily routine, and giving repeated advance notice of any changes in routine.

*Making sure you have ample time for transitions such as getting out the door in the morning, so that you and your child are not rushing.

*Monitoring your child’s food intake, ensuring stable blood sugar and ample nutrients.

*Ensuring your child has a built-in rest period during the day, whether it’s for a nap when they’re younger, or just down time during which there are few demands on them.

*Maintaining a consistent bedtime and bedtime rituals.

*Using soothing tools in advance of a known stressor such as noise cancelling headphones, sunglasses, chew toys/gum, weighted blankets, body brushing, massage/pressure, and relaxation exercises.  These are also helpful to use proactively during new activities, or to talk with your child’s teacher so that they are allowed to use certain tools in class.

*Trying visualization techniques which affirm grounding, protection and self-compassion (see meditations and blogs on these topics in the resource section of my website). 

 If you or your child is already in the midst of sensory overload or an emotional meltdown, you have essentially jumped outside the window of tolerance already.  The most helpful intervention strategies to get back into the window, and to expand it overall, are generally body-based strategies.  These include slowing and deepening breathing, soothing touch, rocking, jumping, stretching, running, pushing (push-ups or pushing heavy items across the floor), moving in a way to gently shake the body, i.e., shaking your hands as though you’re trying to dry them, moving shoulders up and down, moving up and down from standing on toes to flat feet, or generally wiggling the body/dancing.  If you talk with your child during a meltdown, keep words to a minimum and keep your tone as calm as possible.   If you are both having a hard time, it’s helpful to narrate your own process in a simple manner, for example: “We’re both pretty upset right now so I’m going to take some deep breaths.”  If your child fights you on any suggestions you may make for body-based exercises (which many dysregulated HSC’s tend to do), then a simple, calm response from you that you as the parent are going to practice the strategy anyway often calms your child.  When they see you taking charge of your own wellbeing, it is powerful role modeling for them.  Sometimes it takes a few minutes, but you will notice them calming down eventually, and you will feel calmer and more effective as you are practicing coping skills, so it’s a win-win.

 A key for parents working with their children on expanding their window of tolerance is to see your relationship with them as the primary preventive or regulating force.  This is especially important for very young children, but it is important for older children and even for us as adults.  We all need to know that our attachment is still intact and secure in order to expand our window of tolerance.  That’s not to say self-soothing is not also important, but it is critical that we all have at least one person who is a safe space for us, who helps us feel emotionally regulated and knows how to hold space for us to come back to ourselves when we blow out of our window of tolerance. If you feel you need support in improving your relationship with your child and expanding their window of tolerance, I’d be happy to help! Feel free to email me or book a free discovery call. You may also want to check out the resources on Julie Bjelland’s website by clicking below, as there are many tools for you to better understand yourself as an HSP and learn skills to cope.

Carolina is an active and proud member of the Sensitive Empowerment Community!  Learn more about this wonderful group through Julie Bjelland’s website at https://www.fatfreecartpro.com/ecom/gb.php?cl=342244&c=ib&aff=383793. There are numerous free and paid resources designed to support Highly Sensitive People on this site!