Things your Empathic Child Needs to Know when YOU are Having a Hard Time
One of the more challenging experiences sensitive parents have is when we are going through a hard time and we know our sensitive, empathic children are reacting to it. You may have noticed that your empathic child acts out more, argues more or just melts down more when you are going through your own stressful time. This may be because they fear your dysregulated state is their fault, or because they are matching your energy, or are absorbing our pain and don’t know what to do with it. We sensitive parents have our own big feelings from time to time, and it can be difficult to make space to manage them while also being present for our kids. We can easily get stuck in a negative feedback loop in which we are stressed, our children act out, we get more stressed, and they act out more.
To shift into more healing interactions with our kids during these times, I find it’s helpful for us to “narrate our process” for them, to an age-appropriate extent. This means that we are having our feelings, making observations about them out loud, and modeling for our kids how we are trying to deal with our emotions. There is benefit for our children in observing us sort through and manage our feelings in this way. It is distinctly different than using our kids for emotional support, rather it is thinking of ourselves as a teacher even in our emotional moments. Owning our process, even when it is messy, helps our empathic children understand that they are not to blame for our difficult emotions. Making statements such as: “I’m having some big feelings right now about _____ and am trying to practice calming down,” or “I think I need to take a break because I’m so upset, but I’ll be okay in a few minutes,” can help our empathic child understand that we are still present with them even in the midst of our intense emotions.
The younger they are, the more our children still need us for their own emotional regulation, so they may also need reassurance that we love them and are here for them, even though we are feeling intensely emotional. If we find ourselves taking our emotions out on our children, it’s important to name this as part of the process and repair it as quickly as possible. For example, saying “I’m sorry I snapped at you, I’m feeling overwhelmed today but it isn’t your fault,” followed by a suggestion of how you both might practice calming down or do something to help you both feel better. This models for our children how to make amends when our emotions have taken over and focuses on the overall goal of getting you both back to a regulated and connected state.
Our empathic kids naturally want to help us, so it is also beneficial for us to give them suggestions about ways they might be helpful which don’t involve them taking on the feelings for us. Some examples include: they can offer hugs, make art for us, be compliant with requests rather than arguing, or practice self-care with us (such as going on a walk together, getting out in nature, doing other favorite things together). This teaches them that relationships require some give and take, and that their actions make a difference. This also encourages them to develop self-awareness and self-care practices. Many parents who strive in the practice of “gentle parenting” tend to put all of the burden on ourselves to make a situation better, but this can leave out the child’s sense of agency and put undue pressure on an already stressed parent to respond in a way that is “perfect”. For the parent, it can be an act of self-acceptance and self-care to encourage the child to do something kind for us vs. something that makes our life more difficult in a given moment.
A key thing to keep in mind during hard times in our lives, is that all of us need support. This is especially true if we are going through something painful over a long period of time, such as grieving the loss of a loved one or recovering from significant trauma. Our empathic children benefit from knowing that we have a support system—if they know we’re going to therapy or calling up a friend to talk, it can be another way to reassure them that they don’t have to take on the pain for us. Setting up a support system for them is also important, so that they have people to go to beyond just us. Telling our children that we understand it is hard for them to see us in pain, and that they can talk with their auntie, grandparent, therapist, or friend if they’re not comfortable talking with us about it, helps them feel connected, seen and loved. As conscientious parents we always want to meet our children’s needs for support, but if we are suffering it helps everyone to know there is a safety net full of other people on whom we can rely.
Ultimately, being present in these ways with our sensitive, empathic child requires that we act with self-awareness and self-compassion, so that we may model these for our children and know that our bond with them is resilient in the face of life stressors. While it’s hard to find a way to articulate this as a process rather than an “end goal”, it is truly a continuous journey in which we will feel successful at times and really messy at other times. If you feel you are in a phase during which you need extra support, I would be happy to talk with you! I also encourage you to check out the other resources on this page as potential additions to your self care practice. You may also check out the HSP resources on Julie Bjelland’s website by clicking below:
Carolina is an active and proud member of the Sensitive Empowerment Community! Learn more about this wonderful group through Julie Bjelland’s website at https://www.fatfreecartpro.com/ecom/gb.php?cl=342244&c=ib&aff=383793. There are numerous free and paid resources designed to support Highly Sensitive People on this site!
